Today I turn 34, and with it comes a mix of thoughts and emotions. I celebrate the beauty of maturity and wisdom, while I grieve the missed opportunities and the places I wish I could be in life. I welcome a better knowledge and strength in knowing who I am and who I'm becoming while saying goodbye to the girl who had to endure hardships to get there. I thank God for the awakening He's done this week in my heart and spirit, while I endure the pruning process that it takes to get there (thankfully I'm comforted by Him while this happens...He's so good). These moments have taken me through a journey of complete reliance on God, and let me tell you...it's not always easy. I'm learning more and more that it's not easy because we say we are relying on Him, yet we are not staying plugged in. We get these "bursts of energy", but then go back to our routines and disconnect from Him. As if He can't be a part of everything we do in our day-to-day lives. I'm learning, this is not the way I want to go.

What a week

Leading up to this week, I've experienced exhaustion in more ways than I could imagine. I've been doing ministry for about 9 years now and have learned more about myself than ever before. I've had PLENTY of experiences. Some of them have been AMAZING, friendships that will last for a lifetime, being led by a fearless leader (love you Ken), mentorships (Jeannette and David, eternally grateful for you), and growth in areas I never thought I could. But with every good thing, comes some negative aspects such as disappointments, losses, changes, etc, and let's be honest, it can be overwhelming. Add to that, learning more about my body and the way it's "not operating" as it should. I thought that by now, I would be here celebrating 34 with my amazing husband, along with Luna and our 1 - 2 kids, but my body has had a different plan (someday I'll share more about that story). Instead, I've found myself tired, trying to fill in my sadness and frustration with hobbies. As I mentioned in a previous blog, doing these things are not bad. In fact, in some ways, I'm sure it's helped my sanity, but it has not brought the healing that only God can provide. So to say the least...I've been tired. Tired, mentally, physically, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually.

This week I came to a breaking point. I knew that I could not keep this up. I was spiraling back into my negative thoughts, and before falling deep back into that, I knew it was time to get up and fight. I decided to be more intentional with my time with God. On Monday night before I went to sleep, I sat up in my bed and told God that I no longer had the strength to keep going. I didn't know what to say to Him. He knew my pain, my exhaustion, how I felt lost not knowing what I should do next. I was experiencing high levels of stress and thought to myself, I NEED A BREAK. A break from work, a break from people. I need to get away. And yes, maybe if I did this it would help...temporarily. Don't get me wrong, I will still at some point take a much-needed break with the intentionality of me and Jesus' time, but just taking a vacation was not going to heal the brokenness I was experiencing.

As I sat there and said those things I knew that in my flesh I didn't have the strength to say anything. I decided it was time to allow my spirit to be the one to speak. Now if you know me, I have a bad history when it comes to speaking in tongues. I grew up in a legalistic, pentecostal church where I was "forced" to speak in tongues. To say the least, it left a bad taste in my mouth. As I approached God in this, I was intimidated, scared but desperate. I still don't know if I was just speaking gibberish or not, but I did feel a peace that I had not felt in a while. The next day I get a word from my friend Jared Blauwkamp. He read to me Exodus 19:4, "You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself". He began to say that the Lord was boarding me on the eagle's wings and as he was ascending it was hard for me to see, but as he went above the trees I was being shown a new perspective. Like...what, ok Lord thank you for speaking! (Thank you Jared for your sensitivity and obedience).

Let's follow this with a time of vulnerability with my mentor Jeannette the next day. She could tell something was off and asked me if I was ok. Let's just say I shared so much of the heaviness in my heart that I lost it...quite a bit. She so tenderly loved on me and encouraged me with a word God gave her (still brings tears when I think of this). She got the visual of a dam, and how the water was creating so much pressure that the dam was ready to burst. I'm at a breaking point, and there is so much that the Lord is wanting to do. I wish I would've journaled this one word for word because it was so good and such confirmation of what Jared had shared the day before. She challenged me with spending more time with God. If I were honest, at the moment when she said that I wasn't the most excited. I wanted her to say, "Yes take a break" and instead I found myself with a "homework" assignment. But "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). She was listening to the Holy Spirit and sharpening, which I am so grateful for. That night as I sought the Lord, I read scripture and followed it with "speaking in tongues". Again, I expressed my lack of strength and just went for it, and I don't know what I said, but I began to weep. I sat on the floor and just wept before the Lord. I felt so much peace and freedom and began worshipping. It was an amazing night, to say the least.

The following night, I experience a night of worship that was BONKERS! Woah was God moving. Then the weekend, and I actually got some time to rest. No crazy plans, no huge agenda. Just me and my doggo (my hubby was on a business trip). And now here I am. Celebrating 34. What's the greatest gift I could have gotten this birthday? The facial? Yes, it was amazing but it was a temporary experience for a body that's temporary. Celebration with loved ones? As much as I do enjoy amazing friends and company, the sound of chatter lessens by the end of the day, and you are left to yourself and your thoughts. No, the greatest gift I could have gotten this birthday was intimacy with God, in a way I've never experienced before. Something that I know is eternal, something that even if I never see the fruit of it, I know that it has made an impact eternally.

34, you may not look like what I expected. I'm still navigating my thoughts and emotions but I don't do it alone. I do with an amazing, supportive husband, a joyful pup, loving family and friends, but most importantly, a God who loves me encourages me, strengthens me, carries my burdens, hears my cries, and calls me His. 34, let's go after it!